A Little Too Far.

I hate it when you think you know but you have no slightest idea.

I looked back but there’s no point being here anymore.

Some Things.

I’m on MC for two days – for almost getting fever and body aches, whatever not. Sigh. I need to take my medicine.

But its also a good time spent with the babe, if not good then, much much better. She’s incredible.

A few days ago, I was sitting down and thinking – its so easy for someone to wake up and totally feel the next when they shouldn’t. But maybe that’s life. Sometimes, we take the little things for granted. We take the ones we love for a ride, for thinking that they’d always be there to love. And most of the time, we say it, we say it for the sake of saying and after sometime, every words said has no more value; no real/true meaning. I would have to admit, that there was a point of time in which I was bitter, thinking no one would understand and while you have prayed to help, we stand at a junction that at this end, I am still thankful because you taught me what it was like to go through hardship even for the slightest moment, it was one of the best.

Generally, it has been for me but as much as you made me try, I have. If not for the good, then it must be for the better. What matter most now is that, I’m happy. And I have not felt this happy for the longest time.

Ever since two weeks back when you told me to be honest with myself, I listened. And my heart has opened up to greater heights, I’m walking through that path whereby I made a decision, painstakingly and I patiently tried my best – it worked. I thank God for every strength that I’m bestowed with and the ultimate remedy of my broken heart, fixed and came in a form of an angel, whom I refused but succumbed to in the end, for the lack of a better judgement. It came in the form of my goon.

I don’t think there’s even any words to begin with but I am here now, to hold you, to just be the person that you want me to be. I will make this work with you no matter how challenging and how rough it may get. Through it all.

Goon, I miss you already.

Back Off.

I’m sick and tired of having to run and hide every truth.

Ok, so what if I do the things I do? Why does it bother you guys so much ah? I’m old enough to know – to do what I do, to know the consequences and to face up to it.

Yeah, don’t involve them. I’m sure they have enough on their mind and I have my dues to pay. Like my uncle said, when I eat, you pay?  No right? I’m not trying to be rude but just leave me alone. Please.

So yeah, not close to me, so just stay away. Keep your distance and I would know how to keep mine.

Stop keeping tabs on me. Its not helping.

This is life la ah.

Darkness.

“You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real.. “

I feel like crying still. But putting up a strong front seems to be the easiest. I don’t want to come off weak but I feel so lousy. I feel like crap. Why am I pretending to be this strong when I’m granted to feel? Trust me, this time round, its not my emofied feelings.

I’m so tired. I slept only for two hours and I can’t seem to sleep. The images won’t go away. And I know its going to stay for a while.

Dear, I wish you knew. I wish you knew how much I’m hurting right now – and I can’t deal with anything . To hide and keep running. It must have been some crazy thing but this is where I stand now. I don’t know where to go.

Would you understand?

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Forgo.

I forgot how its like to get hurt, to feel that a part of you being ripped away, a part of you searching for courage and strength to walk away.

I forgot how its like to love; love whole-heartedly without holding back.

I forgot how its like to thank someone and be honest about it because most of the times, it was formality sake.

I forgot how its like to feel happy, feel the butterflies in my tummy when I meet a special someone and continue wanting to spend every single waking moment with her.

And there’s a lot more things forgotten. Along the way.

But I guess in life, you never stopped learning.

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Death.

Thank you God for making me the person that I am today. Thank you for always guiding me to see the path I wish to embark on. Thank you for giving me the hope and the faith for a better day of tomorrow and thank you for opening me up to whole new horizon out there.

Thank you God for the love you’ve showered me with. Thank you for giving me the best parents I’ve could ever asked for. Thank you for giving me a sister, a sister that has always been there for me through rain and shine and thank you for blessing me with a bunch of good friends; that I can call my own, a family, that I can never ask for more.

I would never ask for anything more now. Stop the pain and just take the hurt away.

From you I came and to you, I will return.

Blow.

I can’t take my eyes off of you.

Hello. Life hasn’t been cruel. Hasn’t been kind either. I am still me and life still goes on.

Hello. Maybe things are much better now but I have no idea where I am heading to.

Hello. I hate the way I feel most days because I ain’t sure what to do.

And hello love. You got me hooked on you.

AND I am falling away with you. Catch me now. Won’t you?

I am blogging in circles and someday we’d meet again.

Like Glue.

There are some things in life that you just can’t stop from happening and there are alot of things that are driving me insane right now.

School have never been this mundane before. I’ve no drive. The sound of my old faci’s voice is putting me to the edge of chaos, never have I felt this dreadful before.

As much as I believe that I have moved on, I can’t help getting lost in that innocent eyes, the one who’ve been with me for the past two and half years. The one who have been constantly hurting me and the one who is slowly making things up to me. I am sorry for wanting to move on. And I am sorry for all the hurt I am causing right now. I am just being stubborn so we could break free but I wouldn’t deny it, that you are such a huge part of me baby and I’d never want to lose that. Someday when it is time when we finally let go of our past and look forward, I’d want someone better than I am for you because everyone deserve someone good for them.

I am not having anything good right now, maybe because I don’t deserve it and my mindless insecurities which I’m taking Mel’s and Em’s advice to making myself much stronger and not feel any hurt or any pain. I am trying. You wouldn’t know that.. I’m going to come out not a better person but someone much weaker, someone who is numb to the one she convince herself that she is love with, such unexplainable touch, I’m drifting away from my reality once more and my laptop is infested with ants.

I am unbreakable right now. I am as good as thick and don’t try to penetrate through my head or read my mind because I am only going to guard myself like a citadel of one kind, only a shield that the one who made me gyrate this much will get into a whole lot of a mess trying to uncoil me.

I’ve been tripping on unusual beat of emotions, I am already empty. Try ripping me and I will go on a full spin.

But baby, if I have a choice, I will make him disappear and I will make me disappear.

I am hurting so bad but who am I to feel?